I check up on my ex from time to time. No, I’m not some crazy stalker ex-girlfriend who wants her douchebag of an ex back even though he fucked her over in every possible way in the book. I can say I’m happily in a relationship with my current boyfriend and we’re about to make 9 months. Anyway, I check up on him to see how he’s doing. He had a huge impact on my life, being my first love and all even though he put me through hell, depression, and back again. I think I blogged about him before, but it was so angry. I no longer feel any anger towards him, I’m actually quite indifferent about him now. I used to believe that anger and hate was the opposite to love, but now I realize it’s actually indifference. It shows that that person no longer affects you in any way, shape, or form. I have to thank him actually. For helping me grow up and take responsibility, to learn to step away from things that hurt me, and to understand that I deserve better, the best, someone who’s not him. At the time I was so shocked that he would do something like that to me. I contemplated suicide, but he was not enough to make me do it. My best friend was with me throughout the whole thing and I honestly can’t thank her enough either. Well, I found an amazing guy and it seems that my ex is also in a relationship and I’m happy for him. I just hope he treats the girl the complete opposite of how he treated me and that when he begged me to go back to him, promising me that he changed, that he really meant it. I didn’t lose anything by saying no, but I just hope that he really meant it and can put that promise into his current girlfriend. Everyone makes mistakes; I made a ton during that unhealthy relationship. But I was able to learn, grow, and move on. I’ve learned to let go through him and I’m finally content with my life. Except college can be such a drag sometimes lol. Besides, he TOTALLY downgraded from his other ex and me HAHA. Sorry, I just HAD to throw that in there. I haven’t fully matured, yet (; Leave me be, I’m still a teen haha. Anyway, I really should be writing my 8 page paper, but I’ll do that later. It was nice reminiscing for a while.

I’ve been totally off my A game since this semester started. I need this spring break to get my shit together and bring back my grades. This shit is not me. It’s not cool. I need to get A’s to intra-transfer in my university. What’s wrong with me. Ugh. And I have to study for my stupid philosophy exam tomorrow. I so don’t want to study. March, why are you shitting on me so badly? ):

Thanks for disappointing me time and time again. I’m just so sick of you being late or pushing back plans to the point where we can’t even follow through with them anymore. Next time, please don’t make plans you can’t go through with because I’m so done with waiting around for you. Even from before we started dating, I’ve waited anywhere between 10 minutes to an hour for you. I’m so done waiting for you anymore. I can’t do it. I’m literally wasting my whole day away waiting for you, I’ve gotten sick standing out in the cold for half an hour waiting for you, and I’m just so sick and done with all of this lateness. It’s always excuse after excuse and it’s NEVER your fault for being late. It probably isn’t, but there is only a certain number of times I can believe that it just happens to be a coincidence. Being late to plans is one of the things I absolutely HATE and can’t stand so why I put up with it with you is beyond me. I’m trying so hard not to blow up right now which is why I’m trying to concentrate on typing up this post. Just know, I’m done and if this happens again, I’m seriously about to reconsider everything. Does it sound a bit extreme? Getting this worked up over something like this? Just think back to how many times I’ve waited for you, how many times I kept telling you to STOP being late, and how many times I’ve told you I HATED people who aren’t punctual and THEN let me know if this is extreme or not. It sucks because I love you but I’m so done. So done.

I love him. I really do. But this whole being late every single fucking time we make plans is really starting to piss me off. And I’m talking about me waiting anywhere between 10 minutes to one hour. It’s excuse after excuse and I really don’t care about what the excuse is anymore. A kiss and an “I’m sorry” is not gonna make up for it anymore. I’m so done.

Time for a late night rant after such a long time.

I’m pissed. Oh yeah, I’m hella pissed off right now. So mad that I can’t even sleep. I’m usually good at holding in my anger so those who don’t know me so well won’t be able to tell that I’m that pissed off. I have a horrible poker face till I’m pissed. I don’t even know why I’m so upset; I just am. He’s been very ghost lately. And by that I don’t mean he disappears every few days and comes back, I mean our texting convos are so superficial and forceful lately. I can’t explain it. He’s always out and doing something which is fine. I just feel like he doesn’t have any time in his life to talk to me. Whenever I’m back in the city, we spend almost every day together which I like, but whenever I’m not there he always has something to do and that makes me feel as if he feels like he HAS to spend time with me when I’m there. He has so many other things he has to or can do but he’s usually always with me. I don’t even know were I’m going with this post anymore. I just know that he’s always so busy to talk to me and when he finally has time, it’s either already really late and he’s about to knock out cause he’s so tired or it’s on the train when he’s heading home at like midnight. If we do Skype, he’s always busy with something online. I can’t do jack shit in my school and even when I’m extremely busy, I always find a way to answer him. I don’t know. I’m also probably paranoid of the fact that I lucid dreamed about him leaving me and getting back together with his ex last night. I’m just so angry, pissed off, and lost. I don’t even know why either. /sigh. Looks like it’s just gonna be one of those nights. Looks like I’m not sleeping tonight.

So Thanksgiving break officially started for me today. What better way to start it than with my boyfriend? Bwahaha. I better have a hell of a good day today cause I was so done with yesterday before yesterday even ended. Honestly, I had to deal with so much bullshit. Let’s recap, shall we?

I woke up at like 9AM cause I couldn’t sleep. I ended up showering at like 9:45AM and rushing and packing because my cab was at 11AM. I finished everything at like 10:35 and ran downstairs for a quick breakfast. Wonderful how there was NOTHING to eat cause I went downstairs right when they were switching from breakfast to lunch so I ended up eating a bowl of cereal and a bagel. Finished it in like 10 minutes flat and got my ass upstairs. I finished everything exactly at 11 and dragged my suitcase downstairs. I waited for the cab for 15 minutes! I called them at like 9 and TOLD them to be there at 11. The driver came and told me to wait cause he was picking up another person at the same location. What the fuck. And the fare was $17 EACH. The fuck. I was so pissed but whatever. Then, I saw my life flash before my eyes because he was going at like 90 miles an hour to make up for the lost time so we got to RTC in 10 minutes flat. I ran inside and saw my friends and went on line behind them. By that time, the line was already wrapped around. We were almost there for the 11:30 bus but the lady was like let me let the 11:30 people go first since Greyhound has the time on it but Trailways doesn’t and she just assumed I was traveling with my friends. She let on like 10 people when we could’ve gotten on. Whatever. Anyway, we waited on line for another hour for the 12:15 bus. They started letting people on the bus at like 12:30. I was talking to one of my friends from middle school who came to my university too. We were so happy to finally get on the bus but there was a second bus that they started loading after ours got full. Tell me how they left before us! Our bus driver was such a fucking dumbass. We literally left the station at like 1:25. Over AN HOUR DELAY. ARE YOU FUCKING ME?! I was so pissed and so was my friend. We just complained to each other a lot and just started talking about a lot of random things. We got to Bing in like an hour and a half and when me and my friend got off the bus to go pee, the bus driver was counting people but those people had their luggage so my friend told him that we were coming back and he ignored her so I told him against after her and he gave me the ILLEST look like the fuck bro. What’s with the attitude? So many people complained to him about missing their connecting buses or planes or whatever and he couldn’t do jack shit about it. After we departed from Bing, we drove for like 15 minutes and he was like I need to stop to make adjustments and parks the bus facing away from the foodmart at a gas station. Adjustments my ass. He went to the foodmart to get some food and drinks. Dumb ass was not even smart enough to pop the can outside! My friend and I couldn’t let shit go after that. The bus in front of us left right as we were heading into Bing and they were nowhere to be seen and it was pretty obvious that we were gonna be stuck in rush hour. As we got into Jersey, there was a sign that said “Lincoln Tunnel 60 minute delay”. OMFG. And the bus driver announced it and said he didn’t know how to take the Holland Tunnel so he’ll try his best. Like the fuck. How can you be a bus driver and not know how to take a route in the city? At this point, we were so close yet so far away cause we already saw the city skyline. At least this dumbass took the local around the winding ramp and we were able to save some time. Parked and arrived at Port Authority at like 7:20 but he didn’t even open the luggage doors for us till everyone got off. Like damn, people have places to go you know. I ran to the bathroom and upstairs in case babe was waiting for me. Both of my friends left cause one was my roommate who was too scared to see my boyfriend after the shit that went down a couple of weeks ago so I guess the word “friend” is an overstatement for that and my other friend had her dad and her boyfriend waiting for her so I just went by myself. My boyfriend called me right when I got upstairs and he was like I told you to call me before you got to the tunnel, which he didn’t by the way, so I waited for like 20 minutes for him to pick me up. We got on the train at like 8 and I was so done. Plus, I had my period so sex wasn’t gonna be able to help me relieve my stress. Ugh. When we almost got to his place, these 5 white ass boys came on the train and was trying to act mad ghetto. I was so close to smacking a bitch but thankfully they got off 3 stops later. I was so done. I just wanted to curl on in bed with my boyfriend and nap but we went to get food at a supermarket and order food for dinner since I barely ate anything all day and in a rush, I forgot to bring snacks with me.

So yeah, that was my Friday. A journey that should’ve only taken me 5 hours took me the whole fucking day. I just couldn’t. I was drained. Now, we’re both in bed on our laptops. Him, gaming, and me, just blogging this post and prolly watching my dramas afterwards since he isn’t paying any attention to me. I swear, once you start becoming sexually active, you will be never more grateful to see your period but you will hate it just as much. A frenemy haha. I’m going home today cause my parents think I was still in university yesterday :x I just wanted to spend a night with my boyfriend before my freedom gets sacrificed this week ): My period was supposed to come last Friday decided to come this Wednesday but at least it came Wednesday and not Thursday, otherwise I’d be dying of pain on the bus. I just hope I can pull this plan off without my parents finding out. Fingers cross :x And let my, much needed, Thanksgiving break begin :D

Needing or wanting the attention of other guys while you have a boyfriend is pretty sad and pathetic. I feel like it means he doesn’t make you feel pretty or beautiful or loved like he should. I don’t mean he has to constantly remind you 24/7 but he should tell you enough so that you don’t have a single doubt in your mind that you’re the center of his world. I feel like those girls, when they are alone and in a place where they know their boyfriends won’t find out and they purposely go around to fish for compliments, are pretty desperate and pathetic. You have a boyfriend who loves you which is why he’s with you (hopefully that’s why, not to be pessimistic or anything) so why are you fishing for compliments from other guys? He must not remind you enough then. I like to be cheesed at sometimes as much as the next girl so I get it. Compliments that are given because someone wants to give them are fine, but asking for them, in my opinion, is just plain sad.

I woke up, got up, and almost fell over. I felt nauseous, dizzy, and weak all day. I had my friend go to the Health Care center to ask them what’s wrong with me. A nurse called me and after I told her my symptoms, she said exhaustion, dehydration, and starvation. Yup, that’s what the nurse said happened to me today. And I still have to study for my microeconomics midterm tomorrow. I cried so hard today cause I was so scared that I didn’t know what was happening to me. I couldn’t move or get out of bed all day so I ended up skipping all my classes, but thank goodness we didn’t do anything in any of my classes. When will October stop shitting on me? ):

The closeness to the fact that I almost had a mental breakdown yesterday is scary. That excess amount of stress that is bottled up inside me because I don’t have a way to let it go. Volleyball, how I miss you. There is no volleyball here. You have to try out for even club volleyball but I couldn’t even because I had so much work to do. I need to go back to Brooklyn next weekend and play before I come back. I miss volleyball so much. It’s always been my stress reliever and I didn’t realize how much it helped me relieve stress until I came to college and couldn’t play. No wonder I was so chill and easy going during junior year when everyone was freaking out about APs, SATs, and such. I played every day and I didn’t care about anything. The fact that I have so much work to do and no place to relieve stress is a horrible combination. I don’t understand why I have so much work when my roommate has legit nothing to do! I have a paper to write for every class, thank goodness I finished though. I’m under so much but I shoved enough shit off my back for this week. My almost-breakdown yesterday got so bad to the point where I was one click away from booking the next flight (yes, flight. Not even a bus ticket. A flight) back to the city. I feel so confined here too which doesn’t help. I can go anywhere I want to in the city. I’ve been out every day in the summer and now all of a sudden I’m confined to this campus. I can’t even go anywhere because I don’t have a car and even if I did, there’s nothing to do around here. I really need to go back home next weekend before I go insane. I probably won’t go insane though, I’ll just shut down completely like what happened to me before. It’ll be an empty shell of a person and I don’t know what’ll be able to get me back. I don’t want to worry my boyfriend because I almost gave him a heart attack from yesterday. I want to go back home. I hate it here. I can’t relate to any of these people. They don’t understand my Brooklyn roots. They don’t understand anything about me. I wanna go home. And it’s not fair that I have this much work on my back when my friends have nothing. I need to relax. I finally finished my paper and nothing feels better than getting a huge assignment out of the way. I’m just gonna take a nice shower and watch dramas in my bed for the rest of the night. I never thought I’d miss volleyball and Brooklyn this much.

I can’t bring myself to do work if you don’t bribe me with something LOL. It’s so bad but once I start, I won’t stop till I finish. I’m just that kind of a person. “Inertia” as my friend would call it haha.

Boyfriend: “I’m thinking of coming up to SU this weekend since I have a four day weekend.”

Me: “REALLY?! :D Oh wait. What are you gonna do on Monday and Tuesday when I have class though? Plus, I have a paper to write that’s due Monday and I have a meeting Tuesday so I’ll be back by 6:45 on Monday and 5:30 on Tuesday.”

Boyfriend: “Oh… Then forget it. I’d rather you do your paper and go to your meeting.”

Me: “WAIT! No, no. I’ll write my paper tonight and reschedule my meeting so you can come tomorrow!”

Boyfriend: “Babe.” -___-“

Me: “What?”

Boyfriend: “Write your paper.”

Me: ): “Okay.”

He is a meaniebutt. ): So now I don’t even know if he’s coming or not. I have to register him if he is -___-” unless he comes before 8PM. And I’m not even doing my paper cause there was no promise of him coming. Oh wells. So, how are your nights doing? (: